Mario has been through a lot over the course of his life. We’ve seen him take on all sorts of challenges, including just about every sport you can throw a javelin at.
He’s gone on crazy skull rides across pools of lava, tortured an ape he imprisoned until it snapped and kidnapped his girlfriend and dropped his noble steed into the abyss just so he can jump a little further. Some very cartoonish experiences.
You could say he’s done everything, right? Wrong. Here are some adventures I propose to Nintendo, free of charge, to take the Super Mario series to the next level… we’re bringing him into the real world!
Baby Mario has seen some crazy things. I mean, in his mind he rode a dinosaur around while searching for his brother though all kinds of magical lands. A pretty exciting, yet terrifying experience for a baby.
But once he finds Luigi, he wakes up in his crib. Things are normal, at least for a while. But once he reaches his 13th birthday, things begin to seem a little off. Maybe it’s the way he looks nothing like his family. Maybe it’s the way he is short and stocky in a family of tall, lanky people. Maybe it’s the lack of newborn photos. Or maybe its because Grandma gave Luigi a cool new bike while all Mario got was a second-hand pair of socks.
So the game begins with Mario confronting his parents and finding out the truth. In the end they confess that Mario is indeed adopted, however they don’t know who his real father is. So Mario does what any level-headed, completely rational teenager would do. He runs away from home.
Mario’s job is to traverse a semi-open world and try to find out any information he can about who his parents might be. He will need to talk to social workers and other people of importance who may hold some important tidbits that will get you to where you need to be. Think Mario Odyssey except it’s entirely set in New Donk City-style maps, and next to no power ups. It’s based in the real world after all.
In the end, Mario will end up either heading back home to his adoptive parents after finding his real parents aren’t who he imagined they’d be or something cheesy along those lines. You know, typical “who’s your real family” stuff.
One thing Mario will find out throughout the story is that he has certain interests. One of those interests is going to be when he realizes that he loves wearing a fake tail. He discovers that he is a furry, and he wants to be a raccoon.
Mario has now finished his quest to find his real family, and he’s discovered his subculture. So it’s only natural that he would want to spend time with his new friends, including Peach “Princess Toadstool” Koopa, his online girlfriend from Illinois.
Once he’s old enough, he gets an apprenticeship as a plumber and saves enough money to attend an event close to his girlfriend. He’ll finally get to meet her, and in this visual novel, you will have to find the right things to say to her as you wander around a furry convention.
Now, as a disclaimer, I’ve never been a furry. It’s not my thing. I have met a lot of furries, and for the most part they’ve been lovely people. But there’s bound to be a bad egg or two in every batch, right?
So here’s where it starts to go off the rails a little bit. Well, it turns out that apparently “Princess Toadstool” isn’t just a name. It turns out she’s really into hallucinogens, and the only way she’ll keep Mario at her side is if he’s willing to try it.
He tries it and loves it, and slowly but surely the whole novel becomes more and more bizarre as he sinks further and further down into the depths of psychosis. By the end, it’s clear Mario is going to leave his old life behind to live out the rest of his days happily with the love of his life. Or will he?
But this dark path could only lead to a few outcomes, and fans of this game might be wondering what comes next for our hero as he and his girlfriend fall deeper and deeper into their addiction problems.
Look, this might not be the most exciting adventure Mario has ever been on. But it might be the most meaningful. Since his days at Midwest Furfest, Mario’s drug use has been steadily increasing, and I’d say it’s reached a level beyond recreational use.
The amount of mushrooms Mario consumes on a yearly basis can only be described as problematic. That’s why it only makes sense for Mario to dip his toes into the world of recovery. Especially when his mortal enemy, Bowser Koopa turns out to be his girlfriend’s dad, who’s just trying to take her away from the place where she has access to so much substance. Mario continuously beats him up, and in a moment of clarity, he decides it’s time for a change.
Some of the withdrawal symptoms of hallucinogenic mushrooms can be random flashbacks to drug trips, as well as memory loss, fatigue and irritability.
So a psychological horror puzzle game sounds fitting. Think 7th Guest, except Mario can’t tell what is real and what is not, and grows increasingly confused and angry as it goes on. You basically need to solve puzzles to help him determine what and who are actually trying to help him, with witty cutscenes.
I picture multiple endings, meaning Mario can get out and either live his life as a normal person or relapse and go back to square one, or he can sink into a deeper psychosis and is forced to live in the hospital forever.
If he does make it out and manages to get back on his feet, it’s only natural that we’re gonna want to check in on him after a while, just to see how he’s doing, right?
If you played the last game properly, Mario is clean now. He’s gotta restart his life without the influence of super mushrooms to make things more interesting for himself. So what does he do? He moves back to Brooklyn and gets a job, of course!
I imagine this game seeming quite simple at first. Mario reapplies for his old job as a plumber, and his boss feels enough pity for Mario that he allows him back. There’s one condition though, he’s gotta stay clean while he’s employed.
The game would be a simple simulator game. You get calls, go and do jobs to earn money. You upgrade your tools so you can take on bigger and more intense jobs. Eventually you might even get to open your own business and become the boss!
But how would this tie in to everything Mario has been through so far on this list? Well, he’s absolutely going to have to resist the temptations of his past life. The mean streets of Brooklyn can tempt even the most reformed people, right?
The game finally ends when Mario has the most successful plumbing business in all of New York City, and now he owns a giant mansion and has enough money to retire any day he pleases. But what would this game be without a twist ending?
The morning after you allow Mario to retire and hopefully live a quiet, yet happy life, he wakes up to a knock on the door. The last thing we see before the credits roll is a pair of police officers putting Mario into handcuffs and walking him to their car, which leads into the final game in the series…
Mario has killed a LOT of enemies. Some of them aren’t even in his way, not even hindering him in any way, shape, or form, so it’s only natural that some of their families are going to be out for justice.
It’s safe to assume that not all Koopas are going to want to take revenge on that savage Mario and end up with blood on their hands. Some would definitely rather he spend the rest of his life in prison for the murders, and you really couldn’t blame them.
In this game, your job would be to go through evidence and try to make a case. Whether that’s for or against Mario would be up to the player. But once you start the case, you’ll need to examine witnesses and plead your case in front of a jury.
Remember back in the day when having save data for one game on your memory card sometimes unlocked stuff in a later game? Well, I’ve got good news for you! If you have a completed Mario Goes To Rehab save file on your Nintendo, you unlock the “Insanity” defense! He’s clean now, but he wasn’t when he committed those crimes.
The true ending to the game will see Mario sentenced to death. Grim, I know, but he’s caused a lot of issues. But let’s be honest, it’s the best way to bookend this series. And with this, Nintendo can finally change their mascot to something more modern or cool. Maybe someone taller… a true hero like Waluigi?
So there have it, a full series of five games that will cover the tragic life of the so-called “Super” Mario. You can consider this list a gift, Nintendo. These ideas are free of charge. Although if you want to reimburse me for this genius, you can send the check to Nintendo Link HQ.
Thank you for stopping by Nintendo Link. Look forward to more lists like this in the future!